Shawn’s Neighborhood

it's your friendly neighbourhood AM/idadi/drvictorine here, coming to you once again from the southfield public library, since our home internet service has yet to be connected.

not too much has happened, really... well, unless you count me ending up with a slight fracture to my right hand because my brother, crazy clown, kicked a steel "screen" door on it after i punched him in the 'nads for being an uber asshole.  long story that i won't bore you with, but sooner or later people will learn to stop underestimating me and/or "picking" on me because i'm little.  needless to say, i haven't heard from him since that fateful day, and if i never hear from him again in this life it will be too soon.  as you can see, it wasn't that bad of a break since i'm here typing away with the greatest of ease.  the spot where the break is is sore to the touch, and too much weight on the hand bothers me, but it functions just as it did before.

beyond that, life has been, life.  there's not much you can do when you're broke and stuck in a dying city.  classes start on monday, and i'm going to try my hardest to attend for a full semester, even though the daily commute will be both long and expensive.  i would have switched to online classes had i had enough time to make the transition, but  fudge it... by hook or by crook i'm getting that dern associate's under my belt and heading on to the university of pennsylvania for the master's and phd programs. *wink*

the stbe and i have gone "head up" a couple of times in the past couple of weeks, because he has reverted back to him narrow-minded, short-sighted, idiotic ways. *sigh* but what's new with that, eh?  we're doing okay today, though, since he agreed to take the boys with him to work and afford me a break.

still wanting on plane fare for the boy genius, and i'm getting more impatient about it by the day as people who said they would help seem to bail when it's time to actually help (not just you, chico, so don't feel "attacked" or anything *lol*).  school starts for them on the second and i really need him here within the next couple of weeks so that i can make sure he's fully registered and what not.  i won't even waste time asking his father to help because he's right on the bandwagon with evilene as far as keeping him out there. *sigh*

so that's really about it for me.  overall i'm healthy, still relatively happy with the penzi who is still well over four hundred and some odd miles away in maryland, and all the e-trio are doing well.  things could be better but they're not bad enough to complain about so... *shrug*

well i've been here playing virtual catch up for the past three hours, but now the a/c and sitting in this chair are beginning to get to me.  i'll try to return next saturday to hip you all to my latests and greatest... or you can follow my plurk, which i update daily since i have unlimited web access on my phone (my boyfriend is the best!).

i wish nothing but the best for each and every one of you, and thank you all for your prayers and kind words.

blessed be...
idadi

hey hey all... it's me am/idadi/dr. victorine, dropping by for a quick update to let you all know how things stand in the world of chaos that has become my life.

1. for those of you who have been following the "granny smith" saga... the decision to terminate was considered best for all involved, and the procedure was carried out for last wednesday.  as anyone can imagine, the situation nor the arrival at the final decision was easy for  either of us.  neither adah or i feel very good about it, all things considered, but believe it to be necessary at this point in time.  thank you to everyone's for your prayers, well wishes, sympathetic ears, advice, and love.

2. after nine months the "relationship" between the landpeople and i, as well as my psuedo-mutual friendship with  LLW, has come to an abrupt, idiotic, and final end.  i'd run into a bit of financial trouble back in may which spanned on into july, and after paying rent in june and july later than the landpeople had become used to (notice i did not say later than lease and legal statutes) LLW text messaged me a 30 day notice to terminate tenancy while i was in detroit taking care of adah's situation.  not being one to drag things out or wait till the last minute to make a move, i packed up my flat last sunday and the e-trio and i made our way back to detroit... the last place on earth i ever wanted to live again in this life time.  which leads me to my next update...

3. yes, i am back in the house with the stbe, yes, we are still separated, and HELL YES, we will remain separated.  i love the penzi man dude guy too much to give him up and backtrack into "not sparta" (read: madness).  although the stbe and i have worked out an agreement by which we are simply sharing a house and the expenses/responsibilities that come with doing so, i am going to make my stay as brief as i possibly can to prevent the stbe from slipping into "reconciliation" mode.  he's already made two comments that lead me to believe he's leaning in that direction, coupled with the fact that he kisses me on my forehead every morning before he leaves for work (i'm three quarters sleep when this happens, mind you). 

4. due to the incidents which transpired between myself and his kid, my home was visited, and my children interviewed by CPS the other day!  can you say, not my idea of a good time?  they were called in by the doctor who examined his kid and found "mysterious bruises" on her neck and face (the child is paler than snow, what they expect?), so CPS had to investigate that the other children in the house were "safe and well cared for."  i so wanted to tell them that his kid would have fit that category too had she not decided she was more woman than me and way more man than her father... but as far as i know, i have no clue where those bruises came from. *whistles and looks away*

5. i'm still working my way around how to get my oldest son home and out of the clutches of evilene, aka oma. *sigh* after talking to taro not to long ago i am convinced that all of this was an elaborate set-up to get him out there and away from me.  my son really wants to come home, and despite both evilene and taro's father stating he could come home at anytime, both of them are expecting me to cough up the money for his plane fare even though both of them know my financial situation.  i don't know i'm going to pull it off but what i do know is i have to have something pulled off before the end of august when school starts.  wish me luck.

6. just found out that the house i'm in is on the "energy theft" list thanks to the stbe's "brilliance", and so now getting everything switched over into an account i can manage is going to be have to wait until dte talks to shawn. so now we're on "may have no lights or gas" high alert, and at the moment i have no clue how to rectify the situation.  luckily enough it's summer, so gas for heating isn't a big deal and it's no big deal to strike up the grill for eating... but not having electricity will be a big issue for me considering the work i do is mainly online! *sigh* and that man wonders why we're not getting back together.

and really... that's it and that's all update wise.  beyond those things the e-trio are healthy and alive, relatively happy and just awaiting the next directive from the universe.

i hope you all are well and progressing positively.

until next update... blessed be...
idadi

Some would question why I'd invest time in responding to you, considering everything I presently have on my plate, everything that has happened concerning you, and just how well I see the situation.  Honestly, even as I'm writing this, I'm asking myself why.  You really do not  know me, you have very little clue what my life is like, and in respect of all that, what you think about who I am and what I do only affects your perception of me, not my reality.  But I think the thing that gets me is how transparently hypocritical and self aggrandizing the message of your poem was/is, how we both know your "charisma" works on that "still little girl", and the audacity you have to point the finger of blame for her being alone, when you know no one pushed your hand for you to make the decisions you've made.

Let's begin with the transparently hypocritical part, shall we?  I don't recall ever employing "subtle brainwashing" tactics in relation to this most recent "incident".  I was extremely clear about what I thought, what I wanted for my child, and how I saw you playing her.  She knew without question what the consequences of her actions would be way before she placed herself in the situation to face them.  She knew my reasonings too, and while I'll go out on a limb by admitting they are a bit selfish, consider I've lived through what's she was up against for eighteen years.  I do not have the luxury you possess of being able to gas her head up with "it will be hard, but we'll get through it" fantasies  because I know first hand how fast those things dissipate, no matter how well intentioned they are.  Fact of the matter is, I gave my child the pro and con of both sides of the issue, because I know she was only looking as far as you led her vision at the time.  I presented every angle and point of view possible so she could make an informed decision, and didn't just leave a "threat" that if she didn't swing to my decision I would leave her in the cold.  She could have decided either way... the choice was left up to her.  She chose based on what she thought was best for her AND the child, not just for our relationship.  Honestly, had she chosen to keep the child, she and my relationship would have been fine eventually, once I had the opportunity to get over my shock and hurt.  She's my daughter, I couldn't walk away from her and my grandchild forever.  This is, of course, more than you were willing to let her do by telling her you'd leave her if she didn't have the baby. And then lived up to your word.  So nothing that I said, did, or "demanded' was ever subtle.  Your methods, on the other hand, have never been fully above board... from the way you started in on her about having children from damn near the first week you met, to indirectly coaxing her into the position to get pregnant in the first place.  Then for you to tell her you felt bad for "playing into what everyone said would happen" was a martyr move because not too many people had more than "be careful" to say about you until after they saw the chat transcript and knew what was going on.

As for the self aggrandizing part... "Never would i tell you what to do..."  You know just as well as I do how impressionable my child is, and so you also know you would never have to tell her to do anything.  Anyone with a good enough understanding of how manipulative relationships work knows that in certain situations you never have to tell your significant other to do anything.  You simply imply in a passive aggressive fashion, or give an ultimatum with specific consequences, and wait for guilt, fear, or shame to take its course.  What you initially told her, and the manner in which you told it to her, was such a tactic, and caused her to change her mind multiple times based solely on her desire to keep your favour.  This is what you were hoping for, whether you openly admit it or not.  So it seems by stating you were merely "just [making] sugjestions" you are setting yourself up to appear supportive of whatever she wanted to do, in the face of her family being opposed to her having the baby.  Classic good cop/bad cop, with you placing yourself in the assumed position of good cop.  But one element you tend to leave out when taking this stance is, you emphatically and continuously stated you would only there by her side if what she wanted was in alignment with what you wanted.  The one reason I asked her to come home was to eliminate the bias I saw you creating by pushing your agenda and demonizing everyone else's.  Fact of the matter is, not all of the information and feedback she was getting from this end was negative. She could have stayed and tried to make a life for herself, the baby, and you (and yes I meant "for", because by being pregnant she would have been the only one with resources to provide for the three of you by becoming a state dependent... nice life to bring a child into), and it could have gone very well for you all.  We discussed that side of the coin as well as what's more likely to happen.  Further fact of the matter is, I never told her she couldn't have the baby.  What I told her is she could not have the baby and live in my house, and presented her with questions and situations that would make her consider the best course for not just herself, but the child as well.  Frankly, you are ignorant of anything she would personally have to go through with having a child at this stage in her life, whether you remained by her side or not, so you can't reasonably present more of a scenario than the one you were trying to paint.  As I said, I've lived it and can honestly give her more perspectives than you, so when considering that is really was her decision, who was in more of a position to offer her a broader view so she could make a fully informed decision either way... not just choose based on hopes, dreams, and maybes?

As you stated in another blog post, you can be extremely charismatic, which is how we all arrived in this situation in the first place.  You know how to play people less sophisticated than you, and what you did in this situation was listened to that "still little girl", assessed the points where she was most vulnerable, and went in for the proverbial "kill".  She was pretty much defenseless against you because coming from such a "sheltered" upbringing, all she was willing to grasp onto were the "good points" you allowed her to see, not the potential undesirable traits that lay beneath the surface which only time would reveal.  You set up to play into her fantasy of being rescued from an "overprotective" and overbearing mother, by being "everything" she thought she needed, despite not being able to provide those things she needed most.  Had this not been the case, everything that has gone on could have been held off until a point and time when circumstances were more supportive all the way around.  But you had a "plan" in your head to suit your own desires/wants/needs, and hooking my child, or a girl in a similar mental/emotional state, was the means to its end.  Everything was allowed to happen so expediently, within a month's time, because you knew the faster you could get her emotionally wrapped up in you and not making moves logically, the better the odds of keeping her that way.  You can say this was not your intent until you're blue in the face, but your methods and words prove otherwise.  I still maintain that you did all of this on purpose, and you have yet to show me, and the rest of the the family members that care about her and see your game, differently.

So in the end, I am termed the puppet master -- or more accurately, puppet mistress since I am female -- and you know what... I'll take that.  You, little boy, can not even begin to fathom what it's like to carry a child to term, struggle to raise it "right" or somewhat decently, then try to sit by and watch that child walk with eyes wide shut into an abyss you know they are no way ready for.  You, pseudo-man, do not have the capacity to understand what it feels like to sacrifice a good portion of your life for another human being, not just pay child support "when you can" or be there "when your allowed", then have that sacrifice belittled by some manipulative snot.  You, have never been a mother, nor will you ever be a mother, so you are ignorant of the need to pull a string here or there in order to protect her child against potentially harmful situation, such as the one you tried to trick my daughter into behind my back, yet under my nose, and in front of her undiscerning eyes.  Oh yes, I know there will be a time when I will have to let her go and face the world on her own.  There will be situations she gets herself into that I will not, or can not, jump in to save her from, and she will have to use her complete best judgment to save herself.  But for the time being, until I see that enough foundation has been laid where she can go out, possibly trip and fall, and not land completely on her face -- such as graduating from school, making her own money, and knowing what it is like to take care of certain responsibilities without daddy's or mommy's resources -- then I will continue to be the puppet mistress for her sake, and for the sake of any grandchildren she will bless me with in the future.  So yes, I take the title you graced me with ever so poetically, and in doing so, charge you with giving it to me, only out of anger that my marionette mastery far exceeds yours.

Blessed Be...
Idadi - La Maîtresse de Marionnette

hold your head high, gorgeous.

(( they'd kill to see you fall ))